Blog

Posted on

He Will Clean It Up

 

Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.

James 4:14 NASB

You owe me $20!

We used to say that all the time when my husband was alive.  We often ate dinner with my best friend, his best friend, and our kids.  Those people were also his sister and brother-in-law, our nieces and nephew, and our girls.  At almost every dinner, whether at home or out at a restaurant, someone knocked over a drink and it went everywhere.  My husband would call out, after the initial shock, “you owe me $20,” and we would all laugh and clean up the mess together.  For the longest time after his death, we didn’t say that anymore.

The other night, I was out with those same wonderful people.  The youngest kid is now 19 years old and we were celebrating our last dinner of the summer before the kids go back to college.  As we sat at our restaurant table, someone reached for something and, you guessed it, a drink was spilled.  Both me and my sister in law said in unison, “You owe me $20″.   For a moment, time stopped and we all looked at each other and almost simultaneously, we all smiled a secret smile as we each remembered the voice that was missing.

It has been almost six years since he left this place and went to Heaven with his Savior.  2,007 days to be exact.  This grief journey has been one of the hardest roads I have ever endured.  For some of the journey, I felt like my heart was missing.  For some of the journey, my heart was beating again, but to a different beat, not as loud or as strong on some days.  I’ve changed, evolved, grown…  This is a messy journey that changes moment by moment.

At the five year mark, I was hit in the face with a huge grief wave.  I am now starting to remember the sweet memories of him and how he made me laugh.  He made everything okay.  This makes me miss him even more some days.  I miss his ability to make me funnier, sweeter, less serious.

There are days when I long for Christ’s return.  I pray for it.  I look for it.  I weep for it.  I’m so tired of this endless journey.  I’m so tired of my heart hurting when I think about all the other family members who lost him too.

But then, I remember how he lived.  When a “catastrophe” hit – like 20 ounces of fruit punch tipped and spilled over an entire family’s dinner – he made it okay and put it into perspective.  From Christ’s view, it is all a vapor.  A moment that won’t be remembered in eternity.

So, I have to turn my view to my Savior.  I have to remember to view this journey from His point of view.  He would not ask me to take this road if it were not for His glory and His purpose.  On my very worst days, when I cry out to my Savior and ask for respite, He holds me in His arms and lets me rest there.  He walks with me through the mess of this journey, and sits with me on the side of the road when I need to take a breather.

It gets easier to live with the pain of loss.  I don’t hurt all the time like I used to.  I’m not broken.  I am a redeemed vessel.

Shattered into a million pieces and now glued back together with the Savior’s precious hands and love.

I still laugh at the kids’ faces when they were younger and we said, “You owe me $20.”  We never collected.  After my husband said that with his serious face, he would break into a smile and say, “Help us clean up this mess before my dinner gets cold.”  And, together, we would make everything okay.

That’s how it is with Christ too!  He can make it better, if you’ll let Him, He will clean it up.

Dear Lord, Thank You for Your loving arms that wrap around me and comfort me.  I can’t imagine this journey without You.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in August 2016

Posted on

Go North!

And for many days we traveled around Mount Seir.  Then the Lord said to me, “You have been traveling around this mountain country long enough.  Turn northward and command the people.” 

Deuteronomy 2:1-4 KJV

My sister, Kathy, has been reading through the Bible using a journaling study.  This is where you read scripture and pray about what God is saying to you. Then using a special Bible with wide margins, you draw a piece of artwork to represent the scripture.  My sister is a very talented artist, amongst other things, and she has been posting on social media some of her beautifully inspired artwork.  The other day, she posted the artwork associated with this verse and God used her artwork to catapult me out of a rut.

I’ve been circling a mountain for a long time.  I’ve been wanting something for a long time and asking God for it and His answer has been, “Wait, my child, you’re not ready yet!”  So, I’ve been circling the mountain and re-asking, re-hashing, beseeching…over and over and over again.

I think as widows we often get stuck circling mountains and sometimes we need help moving north, so to speak.  We circle the mountains of anger, jealousy, hurt, longing and self-indulgence, to name just a few.  We fill our back packs with: “This shouldn’t be happening to me.” “I don’t want this.” “I shouldn’t have to do this.”  “I’m tired.” And of course, “Why?”

This week as I was scrolling through my social media account up popped my sister’s post and her beautiful artwork, which further and much more directly gave me the answer God has for me.  It is His sweet answer to my prayer!

Stop circling this mountain and move north!  God spoke to me and basically told me to pick myself up and move north – look to Him and move toward Him.

Do you sometimes find that when you want something and ask for it and don’t get it in your time, you float away from Christ in the process?  You don’t mean to, but you do.  It’s a gradual wearing down, a slow movement south.

I find it so interesting that God knows me, knows what I need, when I need it and sends the perfect message in the perfect person at the perfect time.  His answer always feeds my soul and sustains me.

I’m finding that when I start circling a mountain, it is often a man-made mountain.  And as I am wearing a trail around its base, I am adding to the height of the mountain I am circling.  I get caught up in the circling and looking at the mountain and I forget to look north…true north.

So, this girl is going through her backpack and I am leaving some of my stuff on this mountain trail – the stuff I’ve added.  I am lightening up my backpack and looking north…going north.  I’m still hiking, but I’m looking to my beacon- my true North – Christ, my Savior.

Who’s with me?  Let’s open our backpacks up and get rid of some of the stuff we’ve been carrying!  Let’s leave this trail and go north.  I’ll meet you on a new trail and we can encourage one another along the way.

Stop circling this mountain and move north!  Thanks, Kathy, for sharing your God-given talent and allowing God to work through you to encourage others!

Dear Lord, Thank You for Your scripture which is new every day!  Thank You for using people in my life to encourage me and to speak light and truth into my life!  I am moving north and leaving this mountain trail for a new trail being paved by You.  Amen 

Archive: Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in May 2016

Posted on

I Shall Not Want

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want… He restoreth my soul… Psalm 23:1, 3 KJV

I was sitting in my Easter Service this year listening to a beautiful message from my pastor.  As he was talking, he referenced Psalm 23.  Immediately, I thought of when my husband died.  Psalm 23 is the “go to” verse for funerals.  Then, my pastor continued to add that in order for us to experience an Easter Sunday, we must first go through a Good Friday.  He reminded us that all of the Bible heroes have this story, so why would we, modern believers, think that our testimony would be different.  It is the tension between our Good Friday and Easter Sunday that draws us to Christ and allows us to lean on Him for restoration and resolution.

As I sat there, I inventoried all the decisions I have made lately.  I thought about how, for the last several years, I have had the terrible tension of wanting and waiting for my Easter Sunday in the area of love relationships.  I have had relief, here and there; but for the most part, I have wanted more than I have received these last several years.

Why is that?  Scripture says if the Lord is my shepherd, “I shall not want”.  I call the Lord my shepherd and I live a life of submission to Him for the most part.  So, why do I wrestle with the tension of “want” in that area of my life?

When my husband passed away, I was so lonely for him.  As time went by, I prayed that the Lord would change my heart so it did not remember being married and then I wouldn’t miss that part of my loss so much.  For the first three years, I did okay.  As I ended my third year of mourning, I realized that my heart was open to share with another.  So, I dipped my toe into the dating pool, the shallow end.  As time passed, I met someone that seemed to be a good match.  We set about trying to build a relationship – a life – together.  After about a year and a half, I realized that this gentleman was not the one and in early December 2015 we parted ways.  I didn’t have sorrow over the loss of this relationship.  I didn’t have want for this relationship to continue.  My heart remained open to share my life with someone.

I am so tired of waiting.  I am tired of seeing the sorrow on my dear friends faces when they hear the news that I’m still single…single again.  I’m tired of the “wanting” and “waiting”.

So, as I sat in church and listened to this message, I was thankful God sent someone to remind me I am experiencing my Good Friday.  I am experiencing the tension of waiting for my Easter Sunday.

God wants this time – the time in between – as His time.  He wants to sharpen me, prune me, love me and sustain me, all for His purpose.

My pastor reminded me that God’s plan may include pain and suffering, but the pain and suffering is not without purpose.

So as I wait for my Easter Sunday, I am in scripture and in prayer and pulling as close to the Savior as I can.  The tension of the waiting is painful at times.  I am reminded God has a purpose for me and I just have to push through this waiting period and then I will be celebrating my restoration, my Easter Sunday.

Dear Lord, It is in the waiting that I call out to you and ask for relief.  It is during these times that I realize I must rely on you.  As I walk through this valley, Lord, please stay with me and join me as I celebrate on the next mountaintop my very own Easter Sunday.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in April 2016

Posted on

She Has Done What She Could

She has done what she could … And I tell you this in solemn truth, that wherever the Good News is preached throughout the world, this woman’s deed will be remembered and praised.”

Mark 14:8-9 TLB

This scripture verse was one that I read from my oceanfront villa patio while recently on vacation.  As I sat there in my luxurious surroundings, I thought about how the woman talked about in this verse made Jesus a priority over everything.  She used precious ointment, or oil, that was worth a lot of money and she used her own hair to wipe the extra off Jesus’ feet.  That is someone who was all in and someone who knew who Jesus was, made Him a priority and showed with her actions that He was important to her, despite her actions being questioned.  Jesus remarked that her actions would be spoken of as a memorial to her.  Here it is thousands of years later and I am thinking about her.

What kind of memorial am I to Him and to the world?  What mark am I making?  Do people see Jesus in me?  Do my actions show that Jesus is a priority to me?  That He is in my life?

Every day, I wake up trying and I believe Jesus knows that about me. I start my day taking in His Word and meditating about what He wants me to get from His Word.  I work on showing people love, grace and mercy throughout the day.  I try to not react harshly when people wrong me or mess up and my life is affected by the mess.  I  honor the trust and love in my relationships and show love when things don’t go my way or I’m hurt.  I try to pray for those that wrong me and show love to them.  I walk away from relationships that don’t glorify God in a loving way and not leave burning trails in my wake.

If you read this whole section of scripture (Mark 14:3-9), Jesus knew where this woman’s heart was and he commended her and told those who questioned her actions that she would be remembered and praised.  I want to be remembered like that.  I want Jesus to say, “Sherry has done what she could.  Wherever the Good News is preached throughout the world, Sherry’s deeds will be remembered and praised.”

I am comforted by those verses – she did what she could…and will be remembered and praised.  My Savior knows my heart and, even when I mess up, He still knows my heart.  I just have to take the next right step and follow my Savior’s lead.  No matter the criticism and questions.  Do what I can do and let the Savior take care of the rest.   Put the Savior first in everything and when I make a mess, put my whole self into it to make it right and glorify God in the process.

It might take getting your hair oily, but in the end, to hear your Savior say, “you did all you could do – may you be remembered and praised.”  That will be amazing!

Dear Lord,  Thank you for showing in Your Word what we should hold important and what You would like from us.  And that all that we do in Your name will be remembered and praised in Your Name.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in March 2016

Posted on

Remembrance

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.  

Philippians 1:3  KJV

As I write this article, it has been 1,797 days since my beloved husband went Home.  I was married for 1,749 days to this beautiful man.  He has been in Heaven forty-eight days more than I had the pleasure of being his wife.

When my husband died, there were so many things that reminded me of him that in order to keep my sanity, I felt I needed to put them all together in a very special box. Then I could go to those items when I needed to and not be surprised by them.  So many little items that make up a person’s life. When that person no longer needs them, they have so little value to the world, but I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away.  For example, his sunglasses and his eyeglasses; his work picture ID badge; his business cards; his deodorant; his driver’s license; his soft leather wallet.  When I open the lid to this very special box, I am transported back to him.  His smell, the little things that made him who he was, his unique print – remembrance of him.

There are other items in that box – letters from the nursing staff at Duke (where he passed away) expressing condolence, the bulletin from his promotion ceremony (funeral), sympathy cards. These items remind me that this really did happen. I had the most beautiful life and God asked me to take a knee for Him. I probably won’t know why on this side of Heaven, but these items remind me of those dark days after he left this earth.

I went to this special box so many times in the early days following his departure.  I would fall asleep in the midst of all of the items on my bed, longing for a different ending.  I have also recently learned that my daughter would go into my room when I was not there and open this box and go through the things in it as well.  As the days of the calendar have ticked off, I don’t go to the box as often.

Tonight, I opened the box for the first time in a long time and his beautiful smile wafted through my mind’s eye.  His lovely voice and its cadence when he called my name came to memory.  The glasses, soft wallet, work ID badge all brought to mind the many nights he took those items off as he readied for bedtime and they sat watch on his nightstand.

My life has purpose and I mean something to the Savior.  He knows the number of hairs on my head and with His very hands, He molded my heart and created my soul.  He knows how much it hurt me to ask me to let go of my husband’s hand and to walk into a future without him.  He knows as I go through his belongings how much my heart longs for that companionship and love.  He knows that I also know all things work together for good and I am not to lean on my own understanding but to trust in Him.

So, as I remember my husband and honor his life and love of Christ; I am also looking forward to the purpose that God has for me. His plans are good ones.  He loves me and calls me to remember but also to walk forward.  I encourage you to walk with me.

Dear Lord, Thank you for allowing my life to cross with my husband’s life.  I am better for it!  Thank you for allowing me to have wonderful memories of our time together.  Thank you for loving me and for walking with me each step of this journey and for providing beautiful sisters as traveling companions.   Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in February 2016

Posted on

Love Lessons

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another, as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  by this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

John 13:34-35 (KJV)

They will know we are Christians by our love.

My latest course in God’s “love lesson curriculum” has been learning to love people.  I thought I knew what love looked like and felt like, and I always thought I was good at love.  I even learned sacrificial love as I walked my husband Home.  I thought I had “love” down…no further lessons needed.  Next topic…faith, hope, stewardship…what will it be?

God has been gently showing me that I have several more lessons to go.  It started with me realizing and embracing the fact that people are messy.  Next I realized, I can’t control anything or anyone, but myself.  Let’s be honest, that’s not always possible either.  Then I learned, everyone is working on something, even those who don’t call Jesus their Savior.

Recently, something happened in my life that rocked my world to its foundation. (Out of respect of those involved, I won’t share the intimate details.) Someone I love made a choice that turned their world upside down and as a result, my world was blown apart too.  My heart became collateral damage. I had to watch them walk the path of desolation back to hope and restoration.  I anticipated the consequences coming before they arrived.  I spoke of the choices they were making and the consequences that could come.  I spoke about how the consequences might be hard, long-lasting, and would change life forever.  But, my warnings went unheeded.

So, when the day came, my loved one was so ashamed, they did not approach me for help for almost twenty-four hours, because they thought I would stop loving them.  When I finally learned of their predicament, I was devastated. So, I began to just pray during the phone call.  I asked my Father how I should respond; not only to the news, but to the fears this person had about me not loving them anymore. As I prayed and the conversation continued, my Savior sent me very clear instructions…..

Love.

“Excuse me, Savior, did You say love them?”  “Yes, daughter, love them, pursue them, fill them to overflowing with love.  Remind them of My love and that MY love flows through you.”

Love them.

Then, love them some more.

Let everywhere they turn be filled with love.  Don’t chastise them or remind them of your warnings.  No “I told you so” conversations.  Just love them and then love them some more.

So, for once in my life, I listened the very first time, and I showed love, acceptance, grace and mercy.  At every opportunity, I sent loving messages, phone calls, notes and scripture references.  I reminded them that the Savior loved them, even at their worst, and by taking Jesus into their heart, things could be made new. He would make things right.  It might take some time, but I assured them that I would walk this path with them.

A beautiful thing occurred.  Love grew love.  Our relationship is deeper and has more abundant love.  The more love I poured out, the more it bonded us tighter together.  There are consequences to the choices made and those will be hard.  But, we are walking this road together and our load is lighter because we are filled to overflowing with love -for the Savior and for each other.

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love.

Dear Lord, Thank You for modeling Love.  Thank You for modeling Grace and Restoration.  Thank You for walking this path with me.  I’m so blessed.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in December 2015

Posted on

No Jumping

Have I not commanded thee?  Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.  Joshua 1:9 KJV

I have just returned from a quick weekend trip to the beach.  It is November and I live on the East Coast, so a trip to the beach this time of year is not considered “in season”.  All of the arcades and ice cream shops are closed up tight.  The beach is mostly deserted, with lonely cold waves rolling into shore, but no one to jump in them.  The outdoor pool at the hotel has been winterized and covered for the cold winter months.  As I looked out onto the barren pool deck with the gray pool cover drawn tightly over the pool, I was drawn to a little oasis in the middle of the deck.  It was a beautiful spot of landscaping amidst the stark bleakness of the late fall landscaping and empty pool deck.

As I looked at this landscape oasis complete with palm trees and bright flowers, I saw a sign which read, “No jumping”.  A quick glance around explained the sign–It makes sense that in-season, this oasis is very near the outdoor pool and an adventurer could probably envision a climb to the not-too-high-edge for a jump into the pool nearby.  A miss on this adventure would definitely result in injury.  However, as I looked at the sign and the beautiful landscaping that surrounds the sign, I started thinking about life and how this little oasis reminds me of life. Isn’t it common that we get to a beautiful place and just park ourselves to enjoy the view?  We erect a sign in our hearts that says, “No jumping”.  We have taken the adventure to arrive at the location and now we don’t want to move.

I think about the journey I’ve been on for going on five years.  I’m tired.  I have reached the other side – at least I think I have.  “No jumping!”  While at first, the self-imposed “no jumping” may seem okay.  I just want to sit back and relax.  Enjoy the view.  But, the “no jumping”  keeps me in the safe zone, not trying anything that stretches me.  Very comfortable.  When I am in this “no jumping” zone, I’m relying on me and what I can see and do for myself.  God isn’t required as much in the “no jumping” zone.

God wants us to enjoy the view and find joy in the journey, but He also wants us to keep going.  So, as much as I hate to leave this spot, I know God doesn’t want me to stay here.  He wants me to jump – into His arms, into His plan for me, into life, into joy.  He wants me to take Him on the journey.

So, if you find yourself in the little oasis, next to the “no jumping” sign.  Sit for a minute.  Have a spirit of thankfulness.  Rest. Rejuvenate.  Then, pick yourself up and “jump” into the plan the Master has for you.  It’s going to be great!  It always is!  Even in trials, God turns it to joy!

So, jump with me!  There are many sisters along the way to support you and encourage you.  Don’t be afraid to jump – it’s a good thing!

Dear Lord,  Thank You for allowing me moments in a beautiful oasis where I can rest and stay.  Thank You, also, for encouraging me to “jump” into Your arms and Your plan for my life.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in November 2015

Posted on

One

But let us, who are of the day, be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for a helmet, the hope of salvation.  For God hath not appointed us to wrath, but to obtain salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:8-9

The Power of – One –  is such a lonely number.

This phrase has been dancing through my head for a while now.

The Power of One…the One…Jesus Christ.

One is such a lonely number.  Me…alone…by myself.

As I type this article, it has been thirty-one days since I dropped my only daughter off for her freshman year of college.  She is a four hour drive from our home.  I have shared with you her Senior year of high school, my preparation for the big drop off at college and even the events of the drop off day.

Now, I’ve had thirty-one days on my own, for the first time since 1993 when I was married to her father.  Just me.

I’m happy and settling into this new phase of my life.  I am going room by room and cleaning out.  I have started to intentionally eat healthier and have convenience food delivered to me that will help me with weight loss too.  I am going to the gym and working out with a friend.

Cristina, my daughter, has settled in so beautifully at college.  I know, in her heart, she is making a home there and she’s happy and making great friends and doing well!

I share all of this to point out that I have intentionally changed my mindset from one of loss to one of new opportunities.  If I look back on where I’ve been and who has been in my life and focus on what I’ve lost, that is a dark, lonely corridor that I don’t want to be in, and is devoid of Hope.  Instead, I look to the One and ask Him what opportunities He has for me in this new phase.

I don’t label myself as a widow or single mother.  I am a child of God.  I am not broken or “less-than”, just waiting for anything.  God has something for me right now.  I am still a work in progress that calls on His Grace and Mercy every moment of every day; and I struggle with a myriad of things that He and I are working on together for His Glory.  I am still here, so I still have a purpose.

As I look back over my life and all of the growth that God has allowed in my life in the past 20+ years, it is amazing.  I have endured things that I would never have asked for had I been able to see as I was going into the storm, and I would never have thought I would survive.  But by clinging to the Power of One – the One, I have not only survived, but I have thrived.  I laugh more than cry; I am filled with joy, contentment, and gratitude.

So, even though one is such a lonely number, the Power of One always wins.  I encourage you to focus on the Power of One – the One – and keep your mind from thinking that one is a lonely number.  God can do a lot with one when you are surrendered and looking to the One.

Dear Lord, Please help me to continue looking to You – the One – for my hope and contentment.  Thank You for loving me and growing me.  Amen

Archive:  originally posted on awidowsmight.org in October 2015

Posted on

How Do You Say Good-Bye?

 

Jesus wept.  John 11:35 KJV

I have been in a relationship for over eighteen years.  I can honestly say that I did not know love until this relationship came into my life.  We have been together, almost inseparable, for all of those years.  Only spending maybe a week apart each year.

I’m talking about the relationship I have with my daughter.

I had complications with my pregnancy.  I had complications with my delivery – emergency c-section.  She was beautiful – a head full of kinky, curly dark hair and beautiful deep blue eyes.  She knew my voice instantly.  It was the first time I had ever felt my heart was not in me, but in someone else.  She had a rough first eight years with health: chronic ear infections, sinus infections, reflux, dairy allergy, very accident prone.  We have experienced things together that a lot of parents and children don’t experience:  divorce from her father and the illness and death of her stepdad.

Through it all, we have been close.  I almost know her thoughts without her telling me.  She is a treasure: that if given time and opportunity, open and you are rewarded beyond measure.  She makes me laugh and has a wonderful sense of humor.  She is book smart and people smart.  She is a gifted peacemaker.  She listens well.  She has compassion.  She’s messy.  She is organized.  I love her.

She is a Senior in high school this year.  She will graduate in two months.  She is ready.  All of these last eighteen years, I have been building and preparing her for this.  I have carefully cultivated and grown her wings.  I have nurtured and taught her.  I have let her fall, picked her up and set her off again.  She is ready.  It is right that she should go.

But, how do I say good-bye?  I have flip-flopped between weeping and screaming.  I find myself tightening up loose ends.  I feel like I’m in the last quarter of the game and every move counts.  I find myself walking up and down the sidelines like a crazy coach who tastes victory and sees it but can’t help yelling in a few last helpful hints.

She’s ready – I’m not.  She is going to do so well and honor not only me as her mother, but her Father in Heaven too.  When she was little, she would grip my hand so tightly and now it is me gripping her hand.  I want her to go, but I find myself wanting time to slow down.

Transition is hard.  I find myself turning to my Savior and watching what He did.  How did He say good-bye?  In the scripture verse above, He wept.  In other scriptures, He reassured, accepted, and gave Hope of a reunion.

That is where I am transitioning to as we walk closer and closer to graduation day.  I am letting my Savior remind me that He’s got this – He’s got her.  I am accepting that we are transitioning to a new place in our relationship.  Still close, but different.  She is ready.  I know she is.  She will look back and she will take me in her heart wherever she goes.  She’s going away, but we will always be together.  Our hearts are one.  I love that girl and I’m so pleased with who she has become.  She wants me to come be a part of this new life we are transitioning to.  I’m getting ready – this won’t be good-bye, it will be see you soon.

Cristina, fly, sweet little birdie. You are beautiful and the world is a better place with you in it. I’m so pleased and humbled that the Lord allowed me to be a part of your life. We have a lot more fun in store for us. I can’t wait to see what the Lord has planned for us! I’m getting ready – I’m almost there.

Dear Lord, Thank You for allowing me to know what love is.  The joy of parenting and watching your sweet child grow to an adult and fly off into the world.  Thank You for your examples in scripture to help me with this transition.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in April 2015