Category: Family Stuff

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Fear Not

O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. 

Matthew 26:39 KJV

It seemed like deja vu…I’d been here before…different doctor…different patient…but I’d been here before.  I had heard the diagnosis before; only this time, I know what is coming…I know what will be asked of me…and I don’t know if I’m up for it.

My mom mentioned, in passing, that my dad had a doctor’s appointment for some test results.  I decided to go with them so I could help.

I stood behind the exam table and let my parents have the two chairs in the room.  I was ready for what the doctor had to say.  Except, as the doctor started talking, he used the word “cancer”.  Wait a minute…cancer?  Oh no, I didn’t expect this!  In my mind, I started thinking, “stay calm” and “breathe”!

I remember this word.  When you hear this word, you have to prepare for battle…usually battle to the death or near death.

As I looked to my mom and she looked back at me, I saw fear in her eyes.  She doesn’t want to become me.  She has been in love with this man, her husband, for fifty-eight years.  They spend all day, every day, together.  They are best friends.  They love the Lord, and have created and nurtured a beautiful family who also knows and loves the Lord.

She doesn’t want to become me-a widow.  She doesn’t want to fight this battle.  She doesn’t want to watch her love struggle in pain.  But, mostly, as I looked in her eyes, she doesn’t want to be left behind without him.  She was in the room when my husband lovingly looked into my eyes, took our Savior by the hand, and walked into Glory with Him.  She doesn’t want that for herself, and I don’t want that for her.  I don’t know how to comfort her.  I know I can’t promise her that she won’t be asked to endure this trial.

As I work through these emotions and thoughts, wave after wave of grief spills into my heart.  I don’t want this for her and I don’t want this for me.  How can I support them?  How can I love them through this journey?

Christ whispers, so sweetly, into my ear, “Fear not, I am here”.  I have walked every step with you, these last five years.  I have caught every tear you’ve cried.  I have held you as you grieved, every day.

Christ reminds me to show my mom what I have learned and been shown by others.  In myself I can’t help at all, but in Christ I am mighty.  Share scripture with her.  Point her to Him. Pray for and with her.  Christ is still the answer.  No matter the earthly outcome of this trial, Christ is there.  It will all work out for the good.

So, while we are praying, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt,” we know that Christ is working in our lives and in whatever happens, God will get the glory.

Dear Lord, Thank You for always being there.  No matter the circumstance, You are there.  No matter my position, you are always steadfast.  I love You and I know You have great plans for me and my family.  I put my trust in You, Lord.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in August 2016

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How Do You Say Good-Bye?

 

Jesus wept.  John 11:35 KJV

I have been in a relationship for over eighteen years.  I can honestly say that I did not know love until this relationship came into my life.  We have been together, almost inseparable, for all of those years.  Only spending maybe a week apart each year.

I’m talking about the relationship I have with my daughter.

I had complications with my pregnancy.  I had complications with my delivery – emergency c-section.  She was beautiful – a head full of kinky, curly dark hair and beautiful deep blue eyes.  She knew my voice instantly.  It was the first time I had ever felt my heart was not in me, but in someone else.  She had a rough first eight years with health: chronic ear infections, sinus infections, reflux, dairy allergy, very accident prone.  We have experienced things together that a lot of parents and children don’t experience:  divorce from her father and the illness and death of her stepdad.

Through it all, we have been close.  I almost know her thoughts without her telling me.  She is a treasure: that if given time and opportunity, open and you are rewarded beyond measure.  She makes me laugh and has a wonderful sense of humor.  She is book smart and people smart.  She is a gifted peacemaker.  She listens well.  She has compassion.  She’s messy.  She is organized.  I love her.

She is a Senior in high school this year.  She will graduate in two months.  She is ready.  All of these last eighteen years, I have been building and preparing her for this.  I have carefully cultivated and grown her wings.  I have nurtured and taught her.  I have let her fall, picked her up and set her off again.  She is ready.  It is right that she should go.

But, how do I say good-bye?  I have flip-flopped between weeping and screaming.  I find myself tightening up loose ends.  I feel like I’m in the last quarter of the game and every move counts.  I find myself walking up and down the sidelines like a crazy coach who tastes victory and sees it but can’t help yelling in a few last helpful hints.

She’s ready – I’m not.  She is going to do so well and honor not only me as her mother, but her Father in Heaven too.  When she was little, she would grip my hand so tightly and now it is me gripping her hand.  I want her to go, but I find myself wanting time to slow down.

Transition is hard.  I find myself turning to my Savior and watching what He did.  How did He say good-bye?  In the scripture verse above, He wept.  In other scriptures, He reassured, accepted, and gave Hope of a reunion.

That is where I am transitioning to as we walk closer and closer to graduation day.  I am letting my Savior remind me that He’s got this – He’s got her.  I am accepting that we are transitioning to a new place in our relationship.  Still close, but different.  She is ready.  I know she is.  She will look back and she will take me in her heart wherever she goes.  She’s going away, but we will always be together.  Our hearts are one.  I love that girl and I’m so pleased with who she has become.  She wants me to come be a part of this new life we are transitioning to.  I’m getting ready – this won’t be good-bye, it will be see you soon.

Cristina, fly, sweet little birdie. You are beautiful and the world is a better place with you in it. I’m so pleased and humbled that the Lord allowed me to be a part of your life. We have a lot more fun in store for us. I can’t wait to see what the Lord has planned for us! I’m getting ready – I’m almost there.

Dear Lord, Thank You for allowing me to know what love is.  The joy of parenting and watching your sweet child grow to an adult and fly off into the world.  Thank You for your examples in scripture to help me with this transition.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in April 2015

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Emancipation

 

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.  Galatians 5:1 KJV

I have one daughter. She is a great child. We’ve always had a very close relationship, and have been through a lot of life together. She is a Senior in high school this year and turned 18 in early December. As she prepares for college, things are changing.

It’s been a subtle transition over the last four years of high school. I have slowly moved from authoritarian and disciplinarian into a role of mentor. I’ve had to learn to watch her make decisions for her life that would not be my choices and let her ask for my input and allow her to make the decision for herself.   I’m not saying that there are no rules and she has been able to do whatever she wants.  It’s been a slow transition and she is a great person that I’m proud to be associated with.

As we neared her 18th birthday, we had a conversation. I’d like to say I handled it beautifully, but I’m a real person and, if I’m honest, I could’ve done better. The conversation started with my daughter informing me that once she turned 18, she would no longer be a minor. She would be able to do things without my permission. She said she would be emancipated. To be honest, I was tracking with her quietly until the “emancipation” word was thrown out.

I was irritated…emancipated?  I carried her for nine months through a difficult pregnancy; emergency room at 9 weeks old, surgery at 10 months old, milk allergy, reflux, divorce, single mother, kindergarten, cuts and scrapes along the way, staples in her knee, ambulance ride at 8 yrs old, middle school, blended family, stepfather’s death, single mother…again, high school, first boyfriend, heartbreak, college applications… Need I go on?

Shouldn’t I be the one getting emancipated?  Shouldn’t I be the one wanting to be emancipated?  I explained calmly, that if she used that word again she would see what being emancipated felt like.  It would involve her paying rent, not using my car to get around, not using my smart phone to communicate, and not wearing all those clothes up in the closet of the room in the house that I own (not my finest moment).

Upon reflection, I realize that she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings or make me feel unappreciated for the sacrifices I’ve made through her life (she even said as much during our conversation). She is growing up and her whole life I’ve been preparing her for the time when she would take flight. The time is near and she is getting ready to fly. She will make mistakes; but I’ve shown her and taught her how to get up, regroup, and start over.

More importantly, I’ve introduced her to the One who has the power to truly emancipateher. In taking Christ as her Savior, He has made her free from the bondage of sin.

I think about how I must make Christ feel.  I accepted His free gift of salvation and then all I do is exercise my free will. I’m sure that makes Christ feel the same way I felt when my daughter used the word emancipation. But instead of handling me the way I handled my daughter, He lovingly lets me lean on Him, regroup, and start over.  When I bring up my mistakes and sins, He says, “What are you talking about? I’ve forgiven you.”  That is freedom.  That is truly the definition of emancipation.

It’s interesting to me that the Lord put this subject on my heart to share with you the week of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  A phrase from his “I Have a Dream” speech that keeps ringing in my head is “free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we are free at last.”  In Christ, I thank God Almighty, I AM FREE AT LAST.  It is great to be eternally emancipatedthrough Christ!

Dear Lord,

Thank You for giving me the free gift of salvation through Your son, Jesus.  Thank You for lovingly providing a way for me to be free from the bondage of sin and thank You for not making me pay the price for my sin. Thank You for my Savior. Through Him, I am free at last. Emancipated for eternity. Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in February 2015