Category: God’s Plan

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Remembrance

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.  

Philippians 1:3  KJV

As I write this article, it has been 1,797 days since my beloved husband went Home.  I was married for 1,749 days to this beautiful man.  He has been in Heaven forty-eight days more than I had the pleasure of being his wife.

When my husband died, there were so many things that reminded me of him that in order to keep my sanity, I felt I needed to put them all together in a very special box. Then I could go to those items when I needed to and not be surprised by them.  So many little items that make up a person’s life. When that person no longer needs them, they have so little value to the world, but I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away.  For example, his sunglasses and his eyeglasses; his work picture ID badge; his business cards; his deodorant; his driver’s license; his soft leather wallet.  When I open the lid to this very special box, I am transported back to him.  His smell, the little things that made him who he was, his unique print – remembrance of him.

There are other items in that box – letters from the nursing staff at Duke (where he passed away) expressing condolence, the bulletin from his promotion ceremony (funeral), sympathy cards. These items remind me that this really did happen. I had the most beautiful life and God asked me to take a knee for Him. I probably won’t know why on this side of Heaven, but these items remind me of those dark days after he left this earth.

I went to this special box so many times in the early days following his departure.  I would fall asleep in the midst of all of the items on my bed, longing for a different ending.  I have also recently learned that my daughter would go into my room when I was not there and open this box and go through the things in it as well.  As the days of the calendar have ticked off, I don’t go to the box as often.

Tonight, I opened the box for the first time in a long time and his beautiful smile wafted through my mind’s eye.  His lovely voice and its cadence when he called my name came to memory.  The glasses, soft wallet, work ID badge all brought to mind the many nights he took those items off as he readied for bedtime and they sat watch on his nightstand.

My life has purpose and I mean something to the Savior.  He knows the number of hairs on my head and with His very hands, He molded my heart and created my soul.  He knows how much it hurt me to ask me to let go of my husband’s hand and to walk into a future without him.  He knows as I go through his belongings how much my heart longs for that companionship and love.  He knows that I also know all things work together for good and I am not to lean on my own understanding but to trust in Him.

So, as I remember my husband and honor his life and love of Christ; I am also looking forward to the purpose that God has for me. His plans are good ones.  He loves me and calls me to remember but also to walk forward.  I encourage you to walk with me.

Dear Lord, Thank you for allowing my life to cross with my husband’s life.  I am better for it!  Thank you for allowing me to have wonderful memories of our time together.  Thank you for loving me and for walking with me each step of this journey and for providing beautiful sisters as traveling companions.   Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in February 2016

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Love Lessons

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another, as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  by this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

John 13:34-35 (KJV)

They will know we are Christians by our love.

My latest course in God’s “love lesson curriculum” has been learning to love people.  I thought I knew what love looked like and felt like, and I always thought I was good at love.  I even learned sacrificial love as I walked my husband Home.  I thought I had “love” down…no further lessons needed.  Next topic…faith, hope, stewardship…what will it be?

God has been gently showing me that I have several more lessons to go.  It started with me realizing and embracing the fact that people are messy.  Next I realized, I can’t control anything or anyone, but myself.  Let’s be honest, that’s not always possible either.  Then I learned, everyone is working on something, even those who don’t call Jesus their Savior.

Recently, something happened in my life that rocked my world to its foundation. (Out of respect of those involved, I won’t share the intimate details.) Someone I love made a choice that turned their world upside down and as a result, my world was blown apart too.  My heart became collateral damage. I had to watch them walk the path of desolation back to hope and restoration.  I anticipated the consequences coming before they arrived.  I spoke of the choices they were making and the consequences that could come.  I spoke about how the consequences might be hard, long-lasting, and would change life forever.  But, my warnings went unheeded.

So, when the day came, my loved one was so ashamed, they did not approach me for help for almost twenty-four hours, because they thought I would stop loving them.  When I finally learned of their predicament, I was devastated. So, I began to just pray during the phone call.  I asked my Father how I should respond; not only to the news, but to the fears this person had about me not loving them anymore. As I prayed and the conversation continued, my Savior sent me very clear instructions…..

Love.

“Excuse me, Savior, did You say love them?”  “Yes, daughter, love them, pursue them, fill them to overflowing with love.  Remind them of My love and that MY love flows through you.”

Love them.

Then, love them some more.

Let everywhere they turn be filled with love.  Don’t chastise them or remind them of your warnings.  No “I told you so” conversations.  Just love them and then love them some more.

So, for once in my life, I listened the very first time, and I showed love, acceptance, grace and mercy.  At every opportunity, I sent loving messages, phone calls, notes and scripture references.  I reminded them that the Savior loved them, even at their worst, and by taking Jesus into their heart, things could be made new. He would make things right.  It might take some time, but I assured them that I would walk this path with them.

A beautiful thing occurred.  Love grew love.  Our relationship is deeper and has more abundant love.  The more love I poured out, the more it bonded us tighter together.  There are consequences to the choices made and those will be hard.  But, we are walking this road together and our load is lighter because we are filled to overflowing with love -for the Savior and for each other.

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love.

Dear Lord, Thank You for modeling Love.  Thank You for modeling Grace and Restoration.  Thank You for walking this path with me.  I’m so blessed.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in December 2015

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One

But let us, who are of the day, be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for a helmet, the hope of salvation.  For God hath not appointed us to wrath, but to obtain salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:8-9

The Power of – One –  is such a lonely number.

This phrase has been dancing through my head for a while now.

The Power of One…the One…Jesus Christ.

One is such a lonely number.  Me…alone…by myself.

As I type this article, it has been thirty-one days since I dropped my only daughter off for her freshman year of college.  She is a four hour drive from our home.  I have shared with you her Senior year of high school, my preparation for the big drop off at college and even the events of the drop off day.

Now, I’ve had thirty-one days on my own, for the first time since 1993 when I was married to her father.  Just me.

I’m happy and settling into this new phase of my life.  I am going room by room and cleaning out.  I have started to intentionally eat healthier and have convenience food delivered to me that will help me with weight loss too.  I am going to the gym and working out with a friend.

Cristina, my daughter, has settled in so beautifully at college.  I know, in her heart, she is making a home there and she’s happy and making great friends and doing well!

I share all of this to point out that I have intentionally changed my mindset from one of loss to one of new opportunities.  If I look back on where I’ve been and who has been in my life and focus on what I’ve lost, that is a dark, lonely corridor that I don’t want to be in, and is devoid of Hope.  Instead, I look to the One and ask Him what opportunities He has for me in this new phase.

I don’t label myself as a widow or single mother.  I am a child of God.  I am not broken or “less-than”, just waiting for anything.  God has something for me right now.  I am still a work in progress that calls on His Grace and Mercy every moment of every day; and I struggle with a myriad of things that He and I are working on together for His Glory.  I am still here, so I still have a purpose.

As I look back over my life and all of the growth that God has allowed in my life in the past 20+ years, it is amazing.  I have endured things that I would never have asked for had I been able to see as I was going into the storm, and I would never have thought I would survive.  But by clinging to the Power of One – the One, I have not only survived, but I have thrived.  I laugh more than cry; I am filled with joy, contentment, and gratitude.

So, even though one is such a lonely number, the Power of One always wins.  I encourage you to focus on the Power of One – the One – and keep your mind from thinking that one is a lonely number.  God can do a lot with one when you are surrendered and looking to the One.

Dear Lord, Please help me to continue looking to You – the One – for my hope and contentment.  Thank You for loving me and growing me.  Amen

Archive:  originally posted on awidowsmight.org in October 2015

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How Do You Say Good-Bye?

 

Jesus wept.  John 11:35 KJV

I have been in a relationship for over eighteen years.  I can honestly say that I did not know love until this relationship came into my life.  We have been together, almost inseparable, for all of those years.  Only spending maybe a week apart each year.

I’m talking about the relationship I have with my daughter.

I had complications with my pregnancy.  I had complications with my delivery – emergency c-section.  She was beautiful – a head full of kinky, curly dark hair and beautiful deep blue eyes.  She knew my voice instantly.  It was the first time I had ever felt my heart was not in me, but in someone else.  She had a rough first eight years with health: chronic ear infections, sinus infections, reflux, dairy allergy, very accident prone.  We have experienced things together that a lot of parents and children don’t experience:  divorce from her father and the illness and death of her stepdad.

Through it all, we have been close.  I almost know her thoughts without her telling me.  She is a treasure: that if given time and opportunity, open and you are rewarded beyond measure.  She makes me laugh and has a wonderful sense of humor.  She is book smart and people smart.  She is a gifted peacemaker.  She listens well.  She has compassion.  She’s messy.  She is organized.  I love her.

She is a Senior in high school this year.  She will graduate in two months.  She is ready.  All of these last eighteen years, I have been building and preparing her for this.  I have carefully cultivated and grown her wings.  I have nurtured and taught her.  I have let her fall, picked her up and set her off again.  She is ready.  It is right that she should go.

But, how do I say good-bye?  I have flip-flopped between weeping and screaming.  I find myself tightening up loose ends.  I feel like I’m in the last quarter of the game and every move counts.  I find myself walking up and down the sidelines like a crazy coach who tastes victory and sees it but can’t help yelling in a few last helpful hints.

She’s ready – I’m not.  She is going to do so well and honor not only me as her mother, but her Father in Heaven too.  When she was little, she would grip my hand so tightly and now it is me gripping her hand.  I want her to go, but I find myself wanting time to slow down.

Transition is hard.  I find myself turning to my Savior and watching what He did.  How did He say good-bye?  In the scripture verse above, He wept.  In other scriptures, He reassured, accepted, and gave Hope of a reunion.

That is where I am transitioning to as we walk closer and closer to graduation day.  I am letting my Savior remind me that He’s got this – He’s got her.  I am accepting that we are transitioning to a new place in our relationship.  Still close, but different.  She is ready.  I know she is.  She will look back and she will take me in her heart wherever she goes.  She’s going away, but we will always be together.  Our hearts are one.  I love that girl and I’m so pleased with who she has become.  She wants me to come be a part of this new life we are transitioning to.  I’m getting ready – this won’t be good-bye, it will be see you soon.

Cristina, fly, sweet little birdie. You are beautiful and the world is a better place with you in it. I’m so pleased and humbled that the Lord allowed me to be a part of your life. We have a lot more fun in store for us. I can’t wait to see what the Lord has planned for us! I’m getting ready – I’m almost there.

Dear Lord, Thank You for allowing me to know what love is.  The joy of parenting and watching your sweet child grow to an adult and fly off into the world.  Thank You for your examples in scripture to help me with this transition.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in April 2015

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Woman, What Does This Have To Do With Me?

 

When the wine ran out , the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.”  And Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come.”  His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”  John 2:3-5 ESV [Please read John 2:1-11]

A few Sundays ago, my Pastor shared from John 2:1-11.  As I listened, it dawned on me that my relationship with my Savior, Christ Jesus, during the years leading up to my husband’s death and walking out of the moment when he met Jesus face to face was much like the relationship described in these verses.

My life with my husband  was much like this wedding feast – a party.   We were happy;  in sync with each other;  he was my best friend.  When he became ill, and as we searched for a diagnosis, my husband was at peace and content.  At the end, despite the awful pain, my husband was content and happy.  Until the moment that he took the Savior’s hand and walked into eternity with Him, my husband’s eyes still had sparkle and love.

But when the wine ran out at the wedding, so to speak, I went to my Savior and said, “They have no wine.”  Jesus responded, “Woman, what does this have to do with me?  My hour has not yet come.”  I didn’t understand at the time that Jesus was saying this to me in a very gentle, loving voice.  He was saying it as He tried to gather me in His arms and comfort me.  And, I’m ashamed to say that I did not react immediately like His mother did in these verses.

I was still at the wedding table looking at the empty wine vessels – fixated on why Jesus wasn’t providing more of the wine I had been drinking.  Irritated, hurt that He had allowed the wine to go dry.

In time, I eventually responded as His mother did in these verses – “do whatever He tells you” – but it took time.  I had to get through the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the disappointment.

If you read this whole passage, you will see that not only does Jesus provide wine, but in verse 10, it is revealed that the wine Jesus provides is better than the original.

My grief journey has been like that.  The wine – or life I shared with my husband – was wonderful!  I didn’t want it to end.  After my husband’s death, once I began to “do whatever He tells me”, the wine – or my life – became even sweeter.

How is that possible?  In Matthew 19:26 scripture says, “…with God all things are possible.”

Four years down the road, I know how to love sacrificially.  I have deeper friendships.  I am stronger.  I am resilient.  I feel more deeply.  Without this journey, this “loss of wine”; I would not have known how much sweeter “the replacement wine” is.

As I look back on my journey, I see that this sweetness didn’t enter the picture until I started doing “whatever He tells me to.”  I didn’t experience joy, contentment, and true laughter until I surrendered and just looked to the Savior and asked, “what would You have me do.”  That is when the better “wine” – or life – came.  Not immediately, but in joy-filled sips that I can savor.

To my dear sisters at the beginning of your grief journey, I encourage you to “do whatever He tells you”.  He will take your “water” – ordinary – and turn it into the best “wine” – extraordinary.  There will come a day when you can say as the master of the feast in this scripture said, “you have kept the good wine until now.”  And just as in this scripture (v.11), Jesus’ disciples believed in him from this sign, people will watch you in your journey and will believe in Jesus as they watch Him do work through you.

Dear Lord, I thank You for Your living Word.  I love that even scripture that I have read numerous times can be used to mold me more into your image.  I thank You, Lord, for allowing me the grace and time to see that what has come since that horrible day four years ago is the best and has such a sweet taste.  Thank You, Lord, for allowing me to laugh again and live fully in You.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in March 2015

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In His Time

 

Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.   ~James 4:14 KJV

I had the sad occasion of attending a funeral recently.  One of my best friends from high school lost his beautiful wife to cancer.  When I received the news, it was like a sucker punch to my gut.  It came across my phone and I just had to sit in silence, looking blankly at my phone screen, and praying for my friend and his children, who are all under the age of nine.

I hate this.  I hate that my friend has to walk this path.  I don’t want anyone to have to endure this pain, much less my friends.

God is so loving in His ways.  As I sat amongst my high school friends at the funeral that I didn’t want to attend, God used this opportunity to heal me a little more.  A story was shared by one of the speakers that washed over me like aloe on a sunburn; soothing me in a way I didn’t even realize I needed.

Walking in an apple orchard after a storm, many of the apple blossoms blown off their branches and onto the ground, covering it in a beautiful blanket of color and fragrance.  Apple blossoms, if left on the branches bloom and then an apple grows.  The purpose of the apple blossom is to grow the apple.  What about the blossoms that are blown from the branches, did they serve their purpose?

The speaker shared that instead of thinking that the Creator, God, intended every apple blossom to yield fruit; think about the blossoms that don’t yield fruit.  They die too soon, too early, so there’s no apple.  As you are walking through the orchard and stepping on the blossoms underfoot, a wonderful fragrance rises in the air.  Looking throughout the orchard at the fallen blossoms, it is beautiful ground covering that lightens and stimulates the vision, bringing joy.

Each of those blossoms has a purpose and a lifespan that only God knows.  While we may say in sadness that the fallen blossom didn’t yield an apple; God says, I intended that one to be on the ground when you walked through the orchard today.  I wanted you to smell the wonderful fragrance of apple blossoms.  I wanted you to see their beauty all around you.  I used them for My purpose.  I never intended for those blossoms to yield apples.  Some of the blossoms bring joy in their short time here by leaving the branches early; while others stay on the branches for a long time and bring joy in yielding apples.  God numbers our days and when we have fulfilled His purpose, He calls His children Home.

As I sat there listening to this story, I wept.  My husband died at the age of 42.  My friend’s wife was 45.  So young.  Too soon…for us; not God.  You see, my husband and my friend’s wife and all of our loved ones who left this earth before we were ready for them to leave; they served His purpose.  God said, “Well done, good and faithful servant, come home.”  For some, they brought joy in just their fragrance.  For others, they yielded an apple and it was delicious.

This brought me such peace.  It reminded me that God is in control.  Nothing happens without passing through His Hands first, and it is always good. I can praise God for the fragrance, even though an apple never grew.

Dear Lord, I just am so overwhelmed by how You work in my life.  I am so humbled by Your love and care for me.  I pray that if I am here for a short time, my fragrance is sweet; and if I am here for a long time, my apple is delicious to others and You.  I love You, Lord!  Amen

Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in February 2015

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Change Brings Possibilities

Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness andrivers in the desert.  Isaiah 43:19 NKJV

As I sit here typing this article, it is the day after Thanksgiving and I’m still stuffed from our meal.  My daughter picked the menu – turkey, ham, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole, broccoli casserole and dinner rolls.  It is the same menu we have every year.  We have set aside tomorrow to decorate the tree and house – inside and out…just like we do every year.  We have tickets to our town’s First Baptist Church Living Christmas Tree program…just like we do every year.

After my husband died, all of our family – except me – seemed to find comfort in maintaining as much as possible exactly what we did when he was alive.  The same traditions in the same places at the same point on the calendar.  As I participated, I watched the relief in their faces as we stayed the course, continued the traditions.  They seemed to need to do it the same way.

For me, participating in these same activities was excruciating.  At the same family gatherings, where we sat in the same chairs, I was next to the empty one.  As I cooked the same menu items for the same people, I was preparing this meal alone and the person who used to sit at the head of our table when we entertained was no longer there.  Decorating the house was hard because the person who used to lead us and allow us to be the helpers was no longer here.

Everywhere I looked, I longed for change or at least transition.  As my first birthday without my husband came and went, I was devastated.  For the first time in my life, I was older than my husband ever was and everyone still wanted to celebrate in a similar manner, “like we always do”.  The first Christmas after my husband died, I insisted my daughter and I go to Disney World for Christmas.  She was excited until we got on the plane and then cried.  I got severe food poisoning on Christmas day in a lonely hotel in the “happiest place on earth”.

It wasn’t until I started praying about the pain I was feeling at all of these traditions that God so lovingly shared with me what I now find very comforting.  Everything changes.  Puppies grow into dogs.  Kittens grow into cats.  Babies grow into adults.  Trees and flowers lose their leaves in the winter and then bloom again in the spring.  The water running through stream beds is always changing.  The granules of sand on the beach are constantly changing with each brush of a wave.  Nothing stays the same.

When we accept Christ as our Savior, we are given a new birth; a new heart; new life.  We are changed.  As we grow in Christ, we are changed.  Our relationships with others are constantly changing based on our shared experiences.

So, it seems we are fooling ourselves with our little “traditions”.  Even those change each year.  The weather may be different; people gathered together may be different; we are different because we have experienced 12 months of life since the last time we carried out the tradition.  When you really examine things very closely, the only constant is Christ.  He is stable, our beacon, our true North.  Everything else changes.

When I realize that, I am comforted.  This new life without my husband is another change.  Not one I wanted, but it is what I have nonetheless.  So, I can rail at how different my life is now, or embrace the change and look to Christ for my stability.

I can be open to doing things a little differently so I can continue to grow and change and I don’t have to be uncomfortable with change.  With change, comes new life, and with new life, comes new possibilities.  I am still here and God has a specific plan for me and it is going to be a new life with new possibilities.

Dear Lord, Change is often hard and I am so thankful that You are constant and steady.  Thank You, Lord, for helping me to see that even though change is hard; new things can come.  Thank You, Lord, for your patience and love.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in January 2015

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Whithersoever I Go

 

Have I not commanded thee?  Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.  Joshua 1:9 KJV

The grief journey is a lonely journey and one you have to travel yourself – no one can do it for you.  It takes a lot of intentional work and an earnest heart that is focused on healing, surviving, and thriving.  You must be focused on your Savior – eyes up, looking to the Savior; ears open, listening to the Savior’s voice; feet walking on the path set out.  These must be done day in and day out.

I am now coming up to the four year anniversary of my husband’s Homecoming, or Promotion, as I like to call it.  On February 14, 2015, it will be four years since I last kissed my husband’s lips.  It’s been a long journey.  When I look back, it doesn’t seem possible that I am here at this spot in the road.

Where am I?  Who am I?

If I take note of where I’ve been and who I’ve met along the way, it is clear that I am an abundantly blessed woman.  Clearly, I am favored in God’s eyes.  He has been with me “whithersoever” I have been and for that I am grateful.

During this journey I have hidden from Him, not spoken to Him, cried out to Him, longed for His return, and beseeched Him.  I have loved Him, understood His answer to my prayers about my husband’s life, forgiven Him, renewed my relationship with Him, and felt His presence.

I have met some wonderful people along the way who have been like life preservers thrown in the water to a drowning person.  I would not have met these wonderful, dear friends had I not been on this journey.  They saved me on a particular day when I needed them – God sent them to me to help me to look up…to Him.  I have been on trips and tours that I would have never taken had I not been on this journey.  I have laughed really hard.  I have met sisters who know my thoughts because they are on this journey too and I don’t have to explain, they just know.  God knew I needed them.

Most of all, I have come to realize that God has a purpose for me.  He has a ministry that He needs me for and He has grown or is growing all of the skills and tools I need to accept His calling.  I would not have had these had I not taken this journey.

As I look back down the road I have travelled so far, the constant that I see along every stretch of the road, around every bend, in every valley and on every mountaintop, is Christ.  He has never left me.  I may have walked ahead or stayed behind, but my Savior was there the whole time.  He has had His eye on me; working with me, on me – sending me people, resources, experiences that just strengthen my roots in Him.

I like the new me that God is perfecting.  She is funny, carefree, deep, loving and is able to show grace and mercy to those around her (most days).  She gets really mad, but doesn’t hold a grudge.  She celebrates when she sees her brothers and sisters in Christ triumphing.  She also has grown a heart that is not afraid to love those that the world sees as broken.  She believes in restoration and redemption and believes that until you take your last breath, there is a chance if God is in it.

I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I know He has a purpose for me and he will be with me every step of the way.  I just have to be strong and of good courage and not let fear limit my ability to be obedient to Him.

Dear Lord, Thank You for never leaving me and for going wherever I go.  Thank You for loving me and for providing me with experiences that grow me into the person You need me to be.  I love You!  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in November 2014

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It’s Ok, Heart…Beat Again

 

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.   Matthew 11:28 KJV

Several weeks ago, Karen Emberlin posted an article called, “Is Your Heart Broken – Tell It To Beat Again.” As I read it, I gasped, realizing God was using my dear sister, Karen, to minister to me.  I was married in 2006 to a wonderful man named Bill Rickard.  He made my heart flutter every time I thought of him.   As I walked him Home, I grew to love him more than I have ever loved any other human(except my daughter of course).  I grew to understand the love Christ has for me in that He was willing to die for me.  That’s the kind of love I felt for Bill.  I felt his heart beating in my chest and he felt mine in his.

When Bill died, my heart was not merely broken, I felt it was removed from me.  I was a walking zombie with no feeling.  In time, God allowed me to grow a renewed heart.  One that feels the beats and breaths of my Savior.  I was in tune with my Maker, in love with Him.

For three years, I completely shut down the woman side of me. I concentrated on just healing and growing a renewed heart, one that loves my friends, family and daughter,  growing closer every day to my Savior.  At the three-year anniversary of Bill’s death – Valentine’s Day 2014 – I began to feel that this renewed heart was no longer closed off.  It could possibly love a man again.  I began  praying to my Savior, asking  if these feelings were from Him.  His answer, I felt, was yes.  So, in May 2014, I decided to enter the dating pool again.

I hadn’t been on a date since 2003. A lot has changed in eleven years.  I went on several  dates with a lot of Mr. “Wrong-for-me’s”.  I cut players often, filling my dance card with new names.  Lots of dinners and movies filled my life.  I was getting tired, becoming very lonely in the process.  The more people I met – the wrong people -the more I missed Bill.  At each “interview” I found myself comparing to my “gold standard”…and all came up lacking.

I began deleting my online profile from sites I was on, ending my subscriptions.  I needed to take a break to see if God still wanted me out and dating.  During this time frame, I met someone with whom I accepted a date invitation.  Venturing into the dating pool with the full intention of sharing your life with, and, more importantly, your heart with, brought up an issue that I didn’t realize existed.  All along, I was growing this renewed heart, but I had forgotten the most important thing: to tell it to beat again.  It is ok for me to consider loving someone again.  My heart doesn’t have to move Bill out, to make room for a new person.  I now realize I have mourned the loss of my marriage and that special relationship.  When I see Bill again in Heaven, it will be as a brother/sister relationship. Our friendship will be rekindled.  So, here in this world, this side of heaven, it’s ok to love again…to tell my heart to beat again.  What a wonderful freedom to know that I don’t love Bill less; my heart is just growing bigger.  This new person will get a woman with a bigger heart because I was loved so well by Bill.  I can remember fun times with Bill.  This does not diminish the love I may have for someone else.  It simply enhances it.

It’s scary to think about loving again.

What if I give my heart and God takes him home before me?

What if I get hurt?

What if I finally lean back and he’s not there?

God lovingly whispers to me, “I’m here and I will never leave you, nor forsake you.  Are you willing to forego one day of joy in a loving, God-glorifying relationship because you are not promised tomorrow?  Do you want to live with a heart open to love; but refusing to love because you might not have it for more than one day?  Tell your heart to beat again…tell your heart it’s ok…tell your heart I created it for more than this…love again.   Put down this last weight.  While you grasp it, your hands are not open to the blessings I have for you.  Put it down; open your arms wide and walk with your face up looking into the sunshine.  Tell your heart to beat again.”

So, I am doing just that…sweet, renewed heart…it’s time…please beat again.

I feel it…slow beats at first and, with each breath, picking up speed.

Heart, beat again, be open to love.  Lord, fill my heart as only You can.

We are not promised tomorrow.  We are not promised an easy life in Him.  We are promised a place of rest in Him.  Heart…beat again.

Dear Lord, I am so humbled by You and how You work in my life.  I am putting down this weight and I am trusting in You to keep my heart beating in You.  I love You, Lord, and I thank you for never leaving me.  I thank you for renewing my heart and for making it possible for me to love again.  Thank you, Lord, for my beating, renewed heart.  Amen

Archive:  Originally posted on awidowsmight.org in October 2014