Valentine’s Day 2021

February 14, 2021– Valentine’s Day 2021. 

In all the stores, there are hearts, flowers and yummy chocolate.  The feeling of love is in the air.  I find myself smiling and not feeling intense, numbing pain as I have for so many years.

Ten years ago, I was a different person and in a very different life stage.  I was in Durham, NC, in a extended-stay hotel near Duke Hospital.  I was getting ready to go to the hospital to see my husband in ICU along with our extended family.  I knew that Bill would be leaving us and I knew that Valentine’s Day would never be the same for me again.

Bill and I had an agreement – he had promised me he would never leave.  He knew that was my biggest fear and had promised me he would not go.  On the morning of February 14, 2011, I remember waking from a very light sleep knowing he would die that day.  I knew he wouldn’t go until we had a talk so I thought for a few hours that if I didn’t go to the hospital, he would stay and we would walk out of our nightmare together and face the world as a team.  As the seconds turned into minutes and into an hour and I sat on the floor between my hotel room bed and the window…hiding…praying… pleading with God…I realized that I needed to go to the hospital.

I took Bill’s wedding band and his favorite, soft blanket and made my way to the car and then to the hospital.  I had told our extended family to go ahead and go and I would come to the hospital later.  They were all around his bed – 18 people that we love – when I arrived.  I walked in and gently put the ring on his finger and took the starchy white sheet off of him and covered him with the soft blue blanket and I looked in his eyes.

He hadn’t been him for several days.  We hadn’t talked with words or eyes in days.  He looked at me and he was there…all there.  Love glowed from his eyes and I knew he had been waiting for me.  I knew what I had to do.  I didn’t want to.  I wanted to be selfish and I wanted to control this, but I knew if I really loved him, I had to do what was right and loving for him. 

I whispered in his ear, “I love you!  I don’t want you to go.  If you can stay, please do.  But if you can’t, I understand and I will be ok.  It is ok to go.”  I said it out loud…whispered it…it was done.

He said goodbye and I love you with his eyes to each of us.  I wanted to be alone with him at these last moments.  I wanted it to be just me and him.  I didn’t want to share.  I didn’t want a moment of his eye contact to be on anyone but me.  But again, I knew he loved all of the people in that ICU room and he wanted them there.  He needed them.  He knew better and, in the end, I was glad they were there. 

But, when he left here and took the Savior’s hand and stepped into Glory, it was beautiful!  I am forever changed and I know my Savior lives and everything in scripture is true.

That was 10 years ago.  Ten birthdays – his and mine.  Ten wedding anniversaries.  Ten Easters.  Ten Christmases.  Ten Valentine’s Days. 

So much has changed since that day in 2011.  High School and College Graduations; Driver’s Licenses; and Boyfriends.  We have moved from the home Bill and I shared to a townhouse.  I have changed jobs twice.  I have lost (and found) weight. My dad passed away.  Our cat, Brandon, passed away and we have another cat in the house, Bailey.  I have had three serious relationships that didn’t work out. 

I find myself not in a relationship this Valentine’s Day – 2021.  I’m absolutely ok with that – I am content.  I am where God wants me to be. 

Ten years ago, I thought I wouldn’t last a moment after Bill died.  I couldn’t see myself surviving a week.  I felt dead.  Many moments of the day I couldn’t breathe.  Many moments I lay in bed and just yearned to be in Heaven.  I didn’t care about life or anyone here. 

2021 has already had a lot of laughter and love.  Bill’s family is still my family.  They still love me as though I was born into the family instead of grafted in.  Our major holidays are spent with my family and Bill’s family.  We still go on vacation in the summer with Bill’s family. 

There is life after death.  Joy does indeed come after mourning.  It happens a little by little.  You just have to keep going.  One foot in front of the other.  Sometimes slow pace and sometimes quick feet.  I look back at the last ten years and I can’t believe I am here.  There are days when I miss Bill like crazy and then there are days when I smile and remember how much he laughed and made life brighter. 

I try to live well and love well and honor him!  He loved Jesus and when I love Jesus and love those who Jesus loves, I know Jesus smiles and Bill is happy too.  But, let’s be honest, those who know Bill know he is probably fishing, again, with Jesus.  That’s what he loved to do – fish and spend time with Jesus!

Happy Valentine’s Day to you!  Show someone love and make the world a little brighter!